This week, we’re happen the mic to Authentic date Series’ David Chambers because that the lowdown on just how to certain comfort and also consent room at the heart of her intimate encounters.
Did you recognize that the word intimate originates from the Latin word intimare, which method make familiar. And isn’t the the score of being intimate v someone, come become an ext familiar v each various other both physically and also emotionally.
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From talk to ladies in the Authentic dating Series community and from my own personal experience I understand that for a woman (and men as well) to end up being physically intimate have the right to be nerve-racking and also put her into a really vulnerable location as plenty of of us have a are afraid of abandonment, the are afraid of judgement and also the fear that rejection.
Our inner fears mixed with the social conditioning the we flourish up with approximately sex often way that she is not going to it is in able to totally relax into the experience until she feels safe, comfortable and able to completely trust you.
I likewise know native my experience coaching numerous men end the last decade that guys are often oblivious to the fears and worries that space on a woman"s mind as soon as it concerns the very first time of resting with a particular man.
As one woman i dated when said come me, “Whenever i go come a guy"s place part of me is worried that he will pressure himself top top me”.
I think that a vast majority of guys are kind, loving and also want come treat women through the utmost of respect. However sometimes a man’s desire because that sex gets ahead of him and drives the to rush to acquire to the end goal that’s in his head, sex. And this leaves females feeling uncomfortable, tense and also sometimes also unsafe.
To aid out my other brothers (and sisters) I have put with each other some needle to aid men develop an environment, setup and mental an are for the beautiful women that you space with come feel much more relaxed, comfortable and also safe to open up up and also get much more familiar with you in the method that she wants to.
Clean and tidy room or space
This is a straightforward and noticeable one to execute guys but it needs to be said. (Yes, ns am assuming that she is coming to her place.)
Guys, tidy and clean up her place. Us all feel more comfortable in a place that is clean, tidy, clutter-free and also fresh smelling. Think the the critical time you walked into a friend"s place that to be light, airy and felt great. Then think of a time you entered a dirty, grubby and damp smelling house. You deserve to feel the difference, right?
How welcoming a clean and tidy place is other that has been talked about when we have actually had female guests on our podcast.
So, perform that washing up that has been hanging around all day, put some fresh sheets top top the bed, float the floor and tidy things away into draws.
And if you room at it, get some nice new smelling incense to boost the smell, also fresh flower or plants.
Get part nice relaxing music on
When the woman you have actually been date comes round because that the first time and also settles under on her sofa, yet the two of you have the right to hear the sound of her next-door neighbours arguing around what to watch on Netflix is the last point you want to hear.
It’s not typically that bad, yet you gain the picture. Those tiny sounds the flatmates and neighbours deserve to sometimes placed us ~ above edge and also make us feel prefer someone rather is in the room with you or worse still like someone is going come walk in unannounced.
Music relaxes us, it’s fine known and you have surely felt it. It will aid the two of you relax a lot. The last point you want to carry out is placed on part 90’s gangster lab or techno (maybe minimal techno is ok).
Jazz, meditation music or sexy residence music room my personal preferences.
Get out of her head and being present moment
You may have actually never heard around being present or being in the present moment. But it simply means to be focused on what you are doing.
For example, if you are talking to her date around the picture on your wall that you took in Colombia however at the very same time you space texting her friend about your plans morning - that’s no being present!
When it’s just you and her, store your attention with her. Leave her phone come one side, every little thing is continue on it, it’s not as important as the amazing human being in front of you. This is also an excellent advice for when you space on dates.
Overthinking is also a means that us leave the present moment. Getting caught up in what plans you have for morning or grounding worrying around something you did at job-related yesterday. Both are ways that pull you the end of being present with the one you room with appropriate now.
By gift present, you make it clear the the human in front of friend is crucial to you and that they matter to you.
This is a term that is thrown about a fair bit these days.
I see it to typical “a balloon of non-judgemental attention and also listening”.
It ties in with being present yet it additionally adds in not judging someone.
We all fear judgement, no one of us wants to it is in judged badly because that the things that us say or do. Among our innate needs in life to be accepted.
The best way to perform this is come mind the language girlfriend use about the females you are with and other human being you speak about.
Anything, whereby you room being derogatory around people’s weight, knowledge and, in particular, the physics appearance, will leave the woman you space with consciously or potentialism worried around how you space judging her.
It’s crucial to remember the the method the media and culture have conditioned ladies is to always question your physical looks, definition that any an unfavorable comments about other ladies in this means can reason her to worry that you will judge her as being “not great looking” once she is naked.
Another means to hold space for she is to hear to her, but not simply her words, yet the emotions behind the words. We all want to feel heard.
Consent is most likely the solitary most essential thing top top this list.
Establishing consent in between the 2 of you approximately getting intimate with each other makes both of you feel safe and also respected. But not simply at the beginning. It’s also important come constantly check in with each various other as the night (or day) walk on.
An vital thing to execute is to talk about your sexual likes, dislike, desires and also boundaries before start the bedroom.
And consent doesn’t also have to be “Can ns touch you?”, think an ext like “I’d love to kiss you right now” or “Your skin is therefore soft, would you prefer a massage?”. It’s also important to inspect in along the way, questioning “Does that feel good?” or “Are you enjoying this?”
Consent have the right to be fun and playful however it is both of your responsibility.
Listen to she words and also her body
This is closely aligned come consent, but slightly different. The feeling more than simply her indigenous but likewise her body as well.
For example, if she states yes to you going under on her, however she claims yes when her totality body is recoiling, check-in with yourself and ask, “Did that feel favor a yes past the words?”
It’s not constantly easy for united state to to speak what we do and also don’t want.
And it goes the other way too, if you are passionately kissing ~ above the sofa for 25 mins and also she is poignant you enthusiastically, that most likely a sign that she wants more than simply kissing. Just asking if she would prefer to go to the bedroom or stroking her hand along her eight or thigh while check to view her reaction would be a nice way to move things forward.
If she feels the you space in tune with her needs and wants this will enable her to relax understanding that she is understood and also that you won’t execute anything she no feel all set for.
If I had £1 for every time ns hear a woman say come me “I wish he would have actually just slowed down”, I’d have sufficient to to buy a beach house in Goa.
Rushing, guys, can very easily feel like pushing or forcing. And pushing and also forcing are scary and also stressful for her.
Slow the down, she is v you right now to be v you, rushing she to gain naked and in the bedroom isn’t going to prevent her from an altering her mind, it will make her adjust her mind.
And if she is rushing things along, nothing be fear to slow things down.
Start v soft non-sexual touching
When girlfriend are starting to gain naked don’t sirloin to touch she vulva. She has a entirety body to explore and spend the moment to explore it. It is in imaginative with your touch and pressure.
Touch every one of her, arms, legs, neck, hands and also feet v soft sensual strokes. It’s exceptionally relaxing for both you and her.
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Having no goal
Non-goal orientation permits you to be an ext present. It stop you native just focusing on getting to having actually sex and keeps you in the present moment the the touching, kissing, massage or talking.
You will certainly feel an ext enjoyment for all the things that come before sex if you deserve to stop having that together your single goal. Plus, being non-goal orientated help you slow down and as a by-product enable the two of you come relax right into each other"s company far much more comfortably.
Leading without pushing or coercing
I to be tempted to leave this one out together it’s not always easy to explain the difference between leading and also being pushy.
But as a man in society, and even our innate masculine energy, we want to lead.
For a lot of you reading this, you hear the native masculine and also lead, and also assume it should be toxic and also wrong. However mature masculine leadership is done through love and care because that those the you room leading.
So when it involves romantic and also sexual encounters, leading v love is having someone else"s best interests in ~ heart, letting walk of friend just getting what you desire (this is what most of the leadership in the world is about).
Leading deserve to look choose asking she to involved your place, it would certainly be surprising her through her favourite meal and also even taking her come the bedroom (and looking after her needs), but if you space leading indigenous a ar of love, care and also with the accept that she may choose to speak no at any type of time, then it will always be welcomed.
Thanks, David. Searching for the realness? Head come Authentic dating Series for much more honest, relatable pieces on dating, creating and nurturing connections and also be certain to follow your podcast for club bangers together as, ‘how being authentic will obtain you to adjust more.’ We’re every ears, tbh.