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composed by: Larry David and Marc Jaffe

Directed by: Tom Cherones

Broadcasted: Dec ember 16, 1992 because that the an initial time.Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jennifer Campbell (as Tia), Heidi Swedberg (as Susan), Wayne items (as Newman), and also Nicholas Hormann (as Calvin Klein).

GEORGE: ns loved she Jerry, i loved her.

JERRY: No, you didn"t.

You are watching: I am not an animal seinfeld

GEORGE: and also she loved me. Hoo, ho, she yes, really did.

JERRY: No she didn"t.

GEORGE: What am i going to do now? i can"t live without Susan. Ns gotta acquire her back. How? How, am ns gonna obtain her back?

ELAINE: Not only didn"t you love her, you didn"t also like her.

GEORGE: who says?

ELAINE: friend did.

GEORGE: Ah, ...A beautiful effective intelligent woman"s in love through me and also I litter it all away. Uh oh boy. Now I"ll spend the rest of my life living alone. I"ll sit in my disgusting little apartment city hall basketball games, eating Chinese take out. Walking around with no underwear. Since I"m also lazy to carry out a laundry.

JERRY: friend walk around with no underwear?

GEORGE: Yeah, what do you do as soon as you run out the laundry?

JERRY: I execute a wash.

GEORGE: that am i going to meet who is far better than her? No one, Jerry. No one"s better than her.

JERRY: once you were v her you said you couldn"t stand her.

GEORGE: ns loved her!

JERRY: You stated goin up the steps of she apartment was like being required to a cell.

GEORGE: i would give anything to it is in going increase those stairway again.

GEORGE: ns gotta contact her. Have to I call her?

JERRY: George, i don"t know if that is together a good idea?

GEORGE: Whyie?

JERRY: You require some professional advice. Why don"t friend go view Elaine"s friend? She"s a therapist.

GEORGE: I"m not going to watch that nut doctor she went to Europe with.

JERRY: No, no no Elaine what"s the name of the friend of your ... That"s a therapist ... The woman.

ELAINE: Dana Folley.

JERRY: Right, Dana Folley.

GEORGE: She any good?

ELAINE: Yeah, she"s terrific. Why? You thinking of going?

GEORGE: Wa, uh, ...

ELAINE: Tia? Who"s that?

JERRY: She"s the model I met on the plane.

ELAINE: She sent you a Christmas card?

JERRY: Um uh. And we"re going the end Saturday night.

GEORGE: my Darling Susan! mine DARLING!!!

JERRY: What space you doing?

ELAINE: ... Date with Fred.

JERRY: The spiritual guy?

ELAINE: He"s not THAT religious.

JERRY: Let us pray.

KRAMER: Hey, you got any twin Crunch?

JERRY: Yeah.

JERRY: Kramer, must I contact Susan?

KRAMER: currently what go the small man inside you say? check out you gotta hear to the tiny man.

GEORGE: My tiny man doesn"t know.

KRAMER: The little man knows all.

GEORGE: My little man"s one idiot.

ELAINE: See, she was clever. You recognize she put her photo on a card. I need to do that. I never do anything like that.

KRAMER: You desire a picture like that on a Christmas card? I deserve to do that for you. ...

GEORGE: She maintained such a nice clean apartment. She was so sanitary.

ELAINE: No, no, i was just thinking the end loud ns don"t desire my snapshot on a card.

KRAMER: No, no, I"ll take her picture. I"ll take care of everything.

GEORGE: She make a big breakfast every Sunday. I don"t understand what she placed in those eggs.

KRAMER: every right, ... Now, you come on over. I"ll have my cereal and also I"ll take your picture.

ELAINE: Really? can you yes, really take a picture?

JERRY: Yeah, he"s good. That takes great pictures. He"s got devices over there.

ELAINE: all right, ha ha

KRAMER: ns don"t know about that outfit though.

ELAINE: Why? What"s wrong with it?

KRAMER: Well, we"ll have to improvise.

GEORGE: (singing) oh hey, if you happen to watch the most beautiful girl who walked the end on me. Tell she I"m sorry. Tell she I require my infant ... Five won"t girlfriend tell she ... I love her. Oh hey, ...

JERRY: George I"m afraid I"m walk to need to ask you to leave.

JERRY: So, I"m reasoning of putting in na tropic fish tank ideal here.

TIA: room you sure you"re prepared for that kind of comitment?

JERRY: Well, I figure if that doesn"t work out ns can always flush them under the toilet.

TIA: That"s horrible!

JERRY: What"s that perfume you"re wearing?

TIA: five I fully forgot I want you to check out this. The CALVIN KLEIN ad I was telling you about came out today.

JERRY: What is that smell?

TIA: It"s here somewhere.

JERRY: the smells favor the beach.

TIA: Exactly.

JERRY: five my God is that the brand-new perfume?

TIA: Yeah.

JERRY: ns can"t believe this. My following door neighbour had actually the idea because that this precise perfume critical year. He also met v an executive at CALVIN KLEIN. I can"t think they stole his idea.

TIA: are you sure?

JERRY: and also you"re the model for this perfume?

JERRY: Uh, that"s him. He just came home. ... Uh, the door



KRAMER: Hey, just how ya" doing?

JERRY: Yeah, uh, I"ll check out you later.

KRAMER: I simply wanted come borrow her Dust Buster.

JERRY: All appropriate come on in. ... Simply wait over HERE! just wait here and also I"ll gain it because that you. ... Kramer this is Tia.

KRAMER: Hello.

KRAMER: exactly how tall are you?

TIA: five ten.

KRAMER: Come on allows see - back to Back.

JERRY: NO! Kramer!

KRAMER: What"s the issue with you? I just wanted come see exactly how tall she was.

JERRY: Oh, you"re high - she"s high I"m tall. What"s the difference who"s tall. We"re all tall.

KRAMER: What"s that?

JERRY: What?

KRAMER: the smell. What"s that smell?

JERRY: What smell?

KRAMER: It"s an extremely familiar. Ns can"t put my finger on it. It"s really familiar.

JERRY: Oh, they"re every the same. Here. currently if you"ll excuse us, ..

KRAMER: Yeah, okay, for this reason I"ll check out you morning uh?

JERRY: Okay.

KRAMER: Yeah. Nice meeting you.

TIA: Nice conference you too.

JERRY: I"ll view you later.

JERRY: Ooow, the was close.


KRAMER: girlfriend smell prefer the beach. What"s the name of that perfume? you"re wearing.


KRAMER: CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That"s my idea. They, they stole mine idea. Y" view I had the idea of a cologne that provides you smell choose you just came indigenous the beach.

JERRY: I recognize look at this

KRAMER: Whooo, ... That"s you! What is walk on here? The gyp(?) that laughs in ~ me climate he steals mine idea. I could have been a millionaire. I might have to be a fragrance millionaire, Jerry. ... They"re no going to obtain away v this.

DANA: Hello. George, come in. Come in I"ve heard an awful lot about you. You re welcome sit down.

GEORGE: fine hello. Um, ah, specifically the reason that I"m here, uh, i don"t recognize uh what Elaine told you yet uh I broke up through my girl friend a couple of mainly ago. Actually she broke up with me and also uh, well, i was the cause of it and also uh, I simply wanted to find out from friend ... What"s v this thing?

DANA: for this reason uh, she broke up v you? ...

GEORGE: Yeah, and, ... Why won"t this go down?

DANA: It"s all ideal don"t worry around it. So, why walk she rest up v you?

GEORGE: What is with this cursed zipper?

DANA: it doesn"t matter. You"ll settle it later. Call me about your girlfriend.

GEORGE: It"s grounding on a piece of cloth here. I can"t gain the fabric out.

DANA: that doesn"t matter, so ...

GEORGE: This is a brand new jacket. Young this really burns me up, ...

DANA: George, George, look at me. Okay, forget about the zipper. ... What"s her girlfriend"s name?

GEORGE: ... Susan.

DANA: Okay, we"re acquiring somewhere.

GEORGE: UH, ha ha, ... It"s just SO frustrating. It"s a brand brand-new jacket.

ELAINE: Anyway for this reason Fred and also I room going to do some volunteer work-related for that Church on Amsterdam.

JERRY: Oh, volunteer work!. Check out that"s what i like about the vacation season. That"s the true heart of Christmas. Civilization being assisted by people other than me. That makes me feel great inside. Look at what we have actually here. . A Christmas card from Laine. Friend didn"t have to go come all that trouble.

ELAINE: It was no trouble. Mine assistant walk the totality thing.

JERRY: ns didn"t even see the picture. How did that come out?

ELAINE: Well, you know. It"s a picture?

JERRY: five yeah. Look at that. Look at good. Kramer go a great job.

ELAINE: Yeah, well. How hard is that to take it a picture?

JERRY: ... Um ...


JERRY: Did girlfriend look in ~ look at this snapshot carefully?

ELAINE: Carefully?

JERRY: due to the fact that I"m no sure and and and also correct me if I"m wrong but I think I check out ... A nipple.


JERRY: Here. Take it a look. What, what is that?

ELAINE: (gasps) five my God! That"s mine nipple.

JERRY: That"s what ns thought.

ELAINE: That"s mine nipple. My nipple"s exposed. I sent out this card to numerous people! mine parents. My boss. Uh, Nana and also Papa.


ELAINE: oh God ns didn"t notice. Oh, what am i going come do? You recognize your whole life girlfriend go through painstaking initiatives to hide your nipple and also then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of civilization get your own an individual shot the it.


ELAINE: have actually you viewed the card?

KRAMER: What card?

ELAINE: This car.

KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. That course. Ns took it.

ELAINE: well did you an alert anything unusual around it?


ELAINE: fine come here and take a look.

KRAMER: Yeah, so?

ELAINE: So, what"s that?

KRAMER: That"s a nipple.

ELAINE: Right!!


ELAINE: Aw, great!? Didn"t you see that?

KRAMER: Aw, no, no i didn"t notification it. No, uh,

ELAINE: It"s since you made me wear the stupid shirt.

JERRY: Well, possibly no one noticed it. Girlfriend didn"t notification it. Permit me go obtain Newman. We"ll see if he sees it.

ELAINE: No. Ns don"t want him looking.

JERRY: oh what"s the difference. Everybody else you know has actually it.

ELAINE: five my God. I sent out one come the at sight in my building. Mine mailman. Mine ten year old tiny nephew. Sister mary Catherine. Dad Chelios. Oh my God Fred! I sent one come Fred.

NX: Okay. What is it?

JERRY: take a look in ~ this card. Call me if you notice anything unusual about it.

NX: her nipple"s showing.

JERRY: Okay. Thanks.

NX: anything else?


NX: every right. Check out you later.

JERRY: What? so what? It"s a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What"s the big deal? see everybody"s acquired them. Watch I gained them.

KRAMER: I acquired them too.

JERRY: Everybody"s got them.

DANA: You see it"s type of acquired a tiny piece of towel that"s slipped underneath and it"s ...

GEORGE: traction it up a small bit.

DANA: Uhg. Well you organize it. Wait, uh, damn It! i can"t move it. God, I"ve never ever seen a zipper so stubborn. Cursed IT! I nearly had it.

GEORGE: Yeah, okey, wait wait. That will certainly separate.

DANA: No. Let me try...

GEORGE: take it best off the chest...

DANA: Ugh, ..

GEORGE: You"re gonna rip it. You"re gonna rip it.

DANA: YEAH!! UGH!!! ARG!!! ... Ns am fear we"re walking to need to stop.

GEORGE: Okay. Uh, my mom is is going come pay for the sessions. ... Oh,Elaine?

DANA: Yeah.


JERRY: No, No, No, No, Oh, No.

JERRY: well every day for the past 4 days she hasn"t changed one call.

GEORGE: was it a scratch or a pick?

JERRY: It was a scratch.

GEORGE: Hey. It"s me.

JERRY: Don"t you think I understand the difference between a pick and a scratch?

JERRY: Yeah?

ELAINE: (OC) It"s me.

JERRY: come on up.

GEORGE: was there any type of nostril penetration?

JERRY: over there may have been some incidental penetration. However from she angle she remained in no position to make the call.

GEORGE: so let"s to speak in her mind she experienced a pick. Okay, so then what?

JERRY: Is the so unforgivable? Is that choose breaking a commandment? walk God say to Moses thou shalt no pick?

GEORGE: i guarantee you the Moses was a picker. Friend wander throughh the desert for forty years through that dry air. ... You informing me you"re no going to have actually occasion come clean residence a little bit.

JERRY: allow me ask friend something. If you to be going out with somebody and if she did the what would, would you do? would certainly you continue going out through her?

GEORGE: No. That"s disgusting!

ELAINE: girlfriend cannot believe what I"m walk through. The card is plastered almost everywhere the office. Everybody is calling me, Nip! ... Yeah. That"s my brand-new nickname at the office. Nip! These guys keep asking me the end for drinks. Not just that, Fred, you know the guy I told friend about? the hasn"t referred to as me in 3 days. ... five please!

GEORGE: Hey. How come ns didn"t obtain a Christmas card? anyone else obtained one. Jerry gained one, Kramer gained one. I thought we were great friends. Ns don"t acquire a Christmas card. Ns don"t get it.

ELAINE: You desire a Christmas card? You desire a Christmas card? All right here. Here"s your Christmas card.

KRAMER: gained any double Crunch?

JERRY: yeah. I think i do.

KRAMER: What"s that perfume?

ELAINE: What, Ocean.

KRAMER: That"s mine. That"s my smell. Jerry you"ve gained to obtain that design to get me an appointment through CALVIN KLEIN.

JERRY: ns can"t She won"t return my calls because she captured me in a pick at a light.

KRAMER: I assumed you claimed it was a scratch.

JERRY: but that"s not what she thinks.

GEORGE: Why don"t you contact her agency. Maybe she"s been out of town and also she didn"t acquire the calls.

JERRY: every right. I"ll call the agency. Hello. Yes, I"m trying to get in touch with Tia van Camp. Do you recognize if she"s been in town? She"s been in town. Oh really. Well give thanks to you very much. She has been in town. She"s at CALVIN KLEIN"s right now.

KRAMER: Let"s go.

GEORGE: It"ll be different this time.

SUSAN: I need someone a little much more stable.

GEORGE: I"m no stable? I"m choose a rock. I take this glasses off, friend can"t call the difference between me and also a rock. I put these glasses on a rock. You understand what jumps into most people"s minds? Costanza!

SUSAN: people don"t change.

GEORGE: I adjust I change. Two weeks back I make the efforts a soft boiled egg. Never ever liked that before. Now I"m dunkin a item of toast in there and I"m loving it.

SUSAN: I"m not a soft boiled egg.

GEORGE: and also I am no a item of toast.

SUSAN: I simply don"t think we have anything in common.

GEORGE: That"s okay. That"s good. Girlfriend think Louie Pasteur and also his wife had anything in common? He remained in the fields all day through the cows, you understand with the milk, assessing the milk, delving right into milk, consummed with milk. Pasteurization, Homogenization, She remained in the kitchen death cockroaches through a boot on every hand.

SUSAN: Why to be there so countless cockroaches?

GEORGE: Because. There was a the majority of cake lying about the house. Just sitting there going with all the overfill milk from all the experiment

SUSAN: and they gained along?

GEORGE: correctly! Yes. Girlfriend know. She didn"t know around Pasteurization. He didn"t recognize anout Fumigation. However they made that work!

KRAMER: I desire to speak to Calvin.

SECRETARY: girlfriend can"t walk in there.

KRAMER: permit me speak to Calvin.

TIA: Kramer?

KRAMER: Yeah, uh.

CALVIN KLEIN: Who room you?

KRAMER: I"m here to talk around the ocean.

CALVIN KLEIN: Oh, correctly kramer. I uh, think I recognize something around this. Will you excuse us Tia?

KRAMER: now I don"t want any trouble Calvin.

CALVIN KLEIN: Neither execute I.

JERRY: Hello there you are.

TIA: What space you act here?

JERRY: Well, I had to talk to you - i noticed friend haven"t to be returning my calls.

TIA: Well, I"ve been busy.

JERRY: because I - I believed we had a great time the various other night, an" the only explanation I deserve to come up with is that you think that you recorded me (flustered, he

indicates a nose pick)

TIA: (Waving him off) I"d quite not talk around this..

JERRY: but I was clearly on the external edge the the nostril.

TIA: I know what ns saw. (Turns toward the elevators)

JERRY: but there - but there to be no pick! i - ns did no pick! there ws no piick!

TIA: ns gotta go. (Quickly walks away from Jerry)

JERRY: No! No pick!

(Scene ends)

(Kramer, standing, is talking through Klein)

KRAMER: every right, now here"s the scoop, Jockey. I, uh, I came in below last January to speak to one of your ffflunkies..

KLEIN: (Reflecting top top Kramer) amazing face..

KRAMER: Yeah.. And, um, when I told him mine idea around the coast cologne, you know, he - he laugh at me.

KLEIN: You"re very lithe, aren"t you? an extremely graceful.

KRAMER: Well, yeah.

KLEIN: Sit down, eh? (Kramer, misjudging one side of the couch, sits down uncomfortably) You"re very lean, yet muscular..

KRAMER: friend know, I try to take care of myself. Ns - ns watch what ns eat. Ah, simply recently I reduced out fructose.

KLEIN: You"re spectacular.

KRAMER: (Flattered) Oh?

(Scene ends)

(Elaine"s fighting v her boyfriend, Fred, about her Christmas card)

ELAINE: ns told you, Fred - my friend"s following door neighbor take it it.

FRED: (Incredulous) Soo - what happened?!

ELAINE: Well, I-I-I have to a to let go a button. I forgot to button it.

FRED: ns really don"t see just how you might miss a button like that.

ELAINE: Oh, you"ve never ever missed a button?! (Phone rings, she puts that on speakerphone) Yeah?..

RECEPTIONIST: your sister, Gail.

ELAINE: Oh, God - mine nephew. (Picks increase the phone and also hits the button) Hi, Gail!.. Yu.. Yu... Yes, Gail, i know just how old that is.

CO-WORKER: (Pokes his head right into the doorway) Hey, Nip, ya need that manuscript or deserve to I take it it home?

ELAINE: Yeah, take it it! take it it!.. An" protect against calling me "Nip"! (Co-worker take away it and also quickly leaves. Elaine goes earlier to the phone) It to be an accident! Well..

well.. It"s gotta it is in somewhere. Watch under his mattress.

(Scene ends)

(George and Susan are gradually making their method up the stars come Susan"s apartment. He"s treating it an extremely much prefer the lengthy walk come an execution; she"s mellow and


(Scene ends)

(A pair people are sitting with Klein, and also talking. Kramer is no wherein in sight)

WOMAN: around the focus group? I had actually nothing to carry out with the focus group. What"s her point? (She watch Kramer arise from an additional room. He"s attract only

dress shoes, socks, and his briefs) My.. He"s sexual, athletic.. An" there is no a trace of self-consciousness!

KLEIN: His buttocks space sublime!

MAN: the course, his pectorals could use a tiny work - I suppose we might get him into the weight room.

WOMAN: (Mesmerized with Kramer"s body) No, let"s gain him in the studio today. We deserve to send these out immediately.

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(Kramer casually puts his hand on the wall, attempting to skinny on it, but the edge is rounded, and also he slides along it, ultimately falling down. Fortunately, the other

people don"t notification - they"re talking among themselves)

MAN: You"ve excellent it again, C.K.!

(Scene ends)

(In a hallway, Tia and also others space waiting because that the elevator. Jerry, deciding to do a speach, starts come preach come the crowd)

JERRY: An" what if i did carry out it? even though I admit to nothing, and never will. What does that make me? and I"m not here just defending myself however all those

Pickers out there who"ve to be caught. (Elevator doors open) each an" every among them, who has to suffer the shame and also humiliation because of civilization like you..

(Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry"s quiet addressing them) space we not human?! If we pick, execute we not bleed?! (Elevator doors shut. A couple of people in the

hallway space looking in ~ him, the turns and also addresses them) i am not an animal!

(Scene ends)

(Elaine"s was standing in the doorway, yelling in ~ Fred)

ELAINE: ns did not bare myself deliberately, but I call you, ns wish currently that ns had! (Fred, shocked by her speech, flees. She calls ~ him, still standing in ~ the hallway) since it is no me that has actually been exposed, however you! because that I have seen the nipple on your soul!

(Scene ends)

GX: so the minute I began up the procedures to her apartment i knew i made a devastating mistake. Going back with her. Therefore we"re in she apartment she goes into the bathroom. I"m cursing myself; now exactly how do I obtain out that this? then it hits me choose a bolt that lightening. The pick.

JERRY: The pick?

ELAINE: The pick?

GEORGE: She comes the end of the bathroom, I"m in up to my wrist. Girlfriend should have actually seen the watch on she face.